the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Text me some of your sweat
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