tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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