Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
True strength comes from lack of pants
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
