I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
