i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
