seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
