nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
