Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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