Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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