i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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