the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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