She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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