Jerry, you need to find god
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
