Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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