For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
