He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
