its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
