I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Randomize
