those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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