You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
