Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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