I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
