this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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