a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
pray to the hookup gods
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
