1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I would ride that face into the sunset
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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