Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
my penis made a compromise with my morals
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
