The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
