he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
