look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
