She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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