Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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