If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
