Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
