i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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