bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
