hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
