you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
