Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
We just shotgunned beers for America
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
