so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
