i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
