why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
