If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
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