I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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