Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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