Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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