And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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