Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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