I wish I could teleport
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
