His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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