Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
