got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
