My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
