You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
