I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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