I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
