I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
