Pappa wants mamma naked
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
