Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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