If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
