I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
